I'm lucky to be alive, aren't I?
Every day, thousands of people die, thousands aren't born. How many people, old and young alike, have I seen pass from the earth before me? I'm one of the lucky ones who came into the world and is still here.
According to the Declaration of Independence of the Thirteen United States of America, life is an "inalienable right," along with liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I have contested happiness, now I take up arms against life as a right.
We are not entitled to live.
Life is a gift. It is fragile and can evaporate at any time without a moment's notice or apparent cause. I've seen it happen. We do not understand it, how it functions, or what it's powers and frailties are.
Before we were alive there was nothing in place to ensure that we would become so.
Given that we are alive, there is no natural law that ensures we will continue to be so. In fact it is quite the opposite. All living things must die. There is nothing so inescapable as death. Nor desirable, when the time comes. It is when the time has not come, that death moves from the realm of nature to tragedy.
I say that we do not have the right to live. This is not to say that I condone murder. That I am not entitled to my own life does not mean that I am entitled to take another's. But then, what claims we do have to our lives are only what we can derive based on the obligations of other people to us. In other words, I have no "inalienable rights" to rely on, only your unavoidable obligations to me.
Given life, I do not have the right to live. Rather, it is the obligation of the rest of the world collectively to preserve my life.
And in turn, it is my obligation as a citizen of the world to contribute to transforming it into a community that will do that for others.
Overall, I think this is a more ethical outlook. It is more founded in gratitude and it recognizes the dependence we have on each other, social beings as we are. It is not founded on the illusion of autonomy. No-one, nothing is autonomous save Gd.
I will strive then, to walk through life aware and grateful of the gift of life that He grants me daily, to feel entitled to nothing, and to therefore feel no resentment when I do not receive it.
Baruch Dayan HaEmet
29 Kislev 5774
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Monday, October 14, 2013
Beautiful Face
When I first noticed I was pretty I wanted to cut my face. I half wished some terrible accident would befall me so that I wouldn't be pretty anymore. But I couldn't really wish it. I was already too vain. Being in possession of beauty, I was afraid to lose it.
2 Marcheshvan 5774
2 Marcheshvan 5774
Playing with Fire
People shouldn't teach their children not to touch fire.
One day, B'ezrat Hashem, I will have a daughter of my own, and that first time she reaches toward a flame I will not slap her hand.
I will not tell her not to touch it.
I will hold it up to her and say, "This will hurt a lot. With that understanding, you may go ahead and touch it if you want. You have been informed of the consequences and now you can weigh your options. It is up to you to make an informed decision. So you can still touch the fire if you want, but you should know that it's going to hurt a lot."
It is our responsibility to teach our children to make responsible, informed decisions, not to protect them from everything that could possibly cause them pain. You can't protect them forever, and they wont want you to. They'll have to make those decisions for themselves one day anyway, so you ought to teach them how while you can still do it in a safe, controlled environment, under your supervision. Give them the tools they will need one day to become independent.
Your kid wont get hurt if she sticks her hand into that flame when you're holding it, but she will lose an awful lot if you never teach her how to take risks.
29 Elul 5773
One day, B'ezrat Hashem, I will have a daughter of my own, and that first time she reaches toward a flame I will not slap her hand.
I will not tell her not to touch it.
I will hold it up to her and say, "This will hurt a lot. With that understanding, you may go ahead and touch it if you want. You have been informed of the consequences and now you can weigh your options. It is up to you to make an informed decision. So you can still touch the fire if you want, but you should know that it's going to hurt a lot."
It is our responsibility to teach our children to make responsible, informed decisions, not to protect them from everything that could possibly cause them pain. You can't protect them forever, and they wont want you to. They'll have to make those decisions for themselves one day anyway, so you ought to teach them how while you can still do it in a safe, controlled environment, under your supervision. Give them the tools they will need one day to become independent.
Your kid wont get hurt if she sticks her hand into that flame when you're holding it, but she will lose an awful lot if you never teach her how to take risks.
29 Elul 5773
Sunday, September 22, 2013
How like a Prison
How like a prison
is the mind
whose struggles
can no answer find;
whose twisting paths
and much-spent ways
do bring no rest
into the days;
whose roads and
thoroughfares would bend,
yet find no peace,
and still not mend
the heart beneath it,
buried deep,
which, though not happy,
cannot weep.
How like a gate
the mind doth seem,
whilst holding secrets
deep within,
and yet no key can
open thence
for there's no lock
that bars entrance.
How like a fortress,
great and tall,
that's made of walls
within a wall,
by which no hero
hopes to claim
that through its conquest
earned he fame,
the mind unconquered
ever stays
and we still lost
upon its ways.
How like a tempest
tossing us
upon the waves
of self dis-trust
'til neither back
nor front we see,
and drunken
in our reverie
do blindly grope
upon the shore,
and drown in waters
deep no more.
How like a prison, yes,
and no,
where freedom's found
as further in you go;
the sacred place
where no man's eye
can gaze on what
therein doth lie;
where solitarily
confined
each man must
his soul lonely find,
and in that soul-
the Holy One,
into Whose sight
we all are come.
For only He
can freedom give
Who though not dying
truly lives,
and in Whose mind
we all are caught
and find there we are
all, but naught.
19 Tishrei 5774
is the mind
whose struggles
can no answer find;
whose twisting paths
and much-spent ways
do bring no rest
into the days;
whose roads and
thoroughfares would bend,
yet find no peace,
and still not mend
the heart beneath it,
buried deep,
which, though not happy,
cannot weep.
How like a gate
the mind doth seem,
whilst holding secrets
deep within,
and yet no key can
open thence
for there's no lock
that bars entrance.
How like a fortress,
great and tall,
that's made of walls
within a wall,
by which no hero
hopes to claim
that through its conquest
earned he fame,
the mind unconquered
ever stays
and we still lost
upon its ways.
How like a tempest
tossing us
upon the waves
of self dis-trust
'til neither back
nor front we see,
and drunken
in our reverie
do blindly grope
upon the shore,
and drown in waters
deep no more.
How like a prison, yes,
and no,
where freedom's found
as further in you go;
the sacred place
where no man's eye
can gaze on what
therein doth lie;
where solitarily
confined
each man must
his soul lonely find,
and in that soul-
the Holy One,
into Whose sight
we all are come.
For only He
can freedom give
Who though not dying
truly lives,
and in Whose mind
we all are caught
and find there we are
all, but naught.
19 Tishrei 5774
Monday, September 16, 2013
Most Beautiful Thing
I think my exact words were,
"Have you ever seen anything more beautiful?"
as I showed my sister her infant son
sleeping in my arms.
I spoke them softly and slowly,
and she seemed perfectly happy
when she leaned forward
to agree with me.
He was three months old then
I think.
And I honestly
did think
at that moment that there never was
a thing more lovely than him.
I still don't.
But now I know why.
He is beautiful
because he is my
first sister's
first baby
and I am holding him.
7 Elul 5771
"Have you ever seen anything more beautiful?"
as I showed my sister her infant son
sleeping in my arms.
I spoke them softly and slowly,
and she seemed perfectly happy
when she leaned forward
to agree with me.
He was three months old then
I think.
And I honestly
did think
at that moment that there never was
a thing more lovely than him.
I still don't.
But now I know why.
He is beautiful
because he is my
first sister's
first baby
and I am holding him.
7 Elul 5771
Close Minded People
It has come to my attention that when close-minded people disagree with you they accuse you of being close-minded. Or that when we are being close-minded we tend assume that the other person is, rather than own up to our own biases and shortcomings.
I know from the experience of having done it myself, that this is because we think we've investigated a matter thoroughly from every possible perspective. Our own opinions, therefore, are the most informed, most objective, and thus most correct. It does not occur to us that perspectives may exist outside of what our imaginations are able to conjure up for ourselves, and we even sometimes take great pains to avoid encounter with anything that may challenge our ignorance. If by chance we do enter some such encounter we write it off as uninformed.
I know that I, at least, have done this.
Thus do we successfully avoid the expansion of mind, heart, and general awareness that comes from greater knowledge. Where this occurs, we are being close-minded.
I sometimes am close-minded. I do not regard this as a bad thing, but as an ability to make decisions firmly and establish boundaries based on past experience, which is the only kind ever available to us.
However, I know that in general I am not close-minded, because I do not often make that accusation of those with whom I disagree. I assume that if anyone has an opinion it is based on his experience as my opinions are based on mine, and is therefore as valid to him as the experience that produced it is real.
Further, I assume that if one differs from me it is perhaps because his experiences have exposed him to perspectives and consideration of which I have been ignorant. Any difference of opinion is a chance to learn and by learning to better evaluate my own opinions, experiences, behaviour and character. I am willing to challenge my own beliefs. I no longer consider my own point of view to define the truth so I am eager to hear and understand others', for only by appreciating the experience of all people will we learn to live in harmony. This is how I am not close minded.
Thus I establish for myself both a definition guarded by personal boundaries and a willingness to alter that definition, that together characterize my struggle between ignorance and education. I must be challenged but I cannot be challenged too far or else I will be confused, overwhelmed, and I will either shut down or lose myself.
In any case I no longer resent being called close-minded. I now know the truth of it.
5 Tevet 5773
I know from the experience of having done it myself, that this is because we think we've investigated a matter thoroughly from every possible perspective. Our own opinions, therefore, are the most informed, most objective, and thus most correct. It does not occur to us that perspectives may exist outside of what our imaginations are able to conjure up for ourselves, and we even sometimes take great pains to avoid encounter with anything that may challenge our ignorance. If by chance we do enter some such encounter we write it off as uninformed.
I know that I, at least, have done this.
Thus do we successfully avoid the expansion of mind, heart, and general awareness that comes from greater knowledge. Where this occurs, we are being close-minded.
I sometimes am close-minded. I do not regard this as a bad thing, but as an ability to make decisions firmly and establish boundaries based on past experience, which is the only kind ever available to us.
However, I know that in general I am not close-minded, because I do not often make that accusation of those with whom I disagree. I assume that if anyone has an opinion it is based on his experience as my opinions are based on mine, and is therefore as valid to him as the experience that produced it is real.
Further, I assume that if one differs from me it is perhaps because his experiences have exposed him to perspectives and consideration of which I have been ignorant. Any difference of opinion is a chance to learn and by learning to better evaluate my own opinions, experiences, behaviour and character. I am willing to challenge my own beliefs. I no longer consider my own point of view to define the truth so I am eager to hear and understand others', for only by appreciating the experience of all people will we learn to live in harmony. This is how I am not close minded.
Thus I establish for myself both a definition guarded by personal boundaries and a willingness to alter that definition, that together characterize my struggle between ignorance and education. I must be challenged but I cannot be challenged too far or else I will be confused, overwhelmed, and I will either shut down or lose myself.
In any case I no longer resent being called close-minded. I now know the truth of it.
5 Tevet 5773
Darkness
Fear of darkness is not real fear.
Fear has an object; fear of darkness does not.
One does not fear the darkness itself, but darkness awakens an internal terror, latent in the light.
It is the unknown, the unknowable.
It is limitation, confusion, chaos.
We are not afraid of the dark, we are afraid in the dark, because the dark makes us aware of our fear.
27 Nissan 5773
Fear has an object; fear of darkness does not.
One does not fear the darkness itself, but darkness awakens an internal terror, latent in the light.
It is the unknown, the unknowable.
It is limitation, confusion, chaos.
We are not afraid of the dark, we are afraid in the dark, because the dark makes us aware of our fear.
27 Nissan 5773
Lonely
I know it's hard for you
to hear this
from someone you
love,
but I need to be
alone
right now.
More than alone,
I need to be
lonely.
So please go away.
Don't talk to me.
Don't call me.
Don't knock on my door.
Don't even whisper my name
to yourself
or to Gd
when you ask Him
(and I know you will)
to watch over me
and to make sure I'm
all right.
I don't want your prayers.
Just leave me alone.
I want to be alone.
Under six feet of dirt alone.
The kind of alone where
no-one is
looking for you because
you aren't there
and no-one is
thinking of you because
you never were.
Nothing is more comforting
to me right now
than the thought that one day
there will be a hundred
and two cubic feet
of solid earth between me
and everything else,
and no-one,
no-one,
no-one
will want me.
24 Nissan 5773
to hear this
from someone you
love,
but I need to be
alone
right now.
More than alone,
I need to be
lonely.
So please go away.
Don't talk to me.
Don't call me.
Don't knock on my door.
Don't even whisper my name
to yourself
or to Gd
when you ask Him
(and I know you will)
to watch over me
and to make sure I'm
all right.
I don't want your prayers.
Just leave me alone.
I want to be alone.
Under six feet of dirt alone.
The kind of alone where
no-one is
looking for you because
you aren't there
and no-one is
thinking of you because
you never were.
Nothing is more comforting
to me right now
than the thought that one day
there will be a hundred
and two cubic feet
of solid earth between me
and everything else,
and no-one,
no-one,
no-one
will want me.
24 Nissan 5773
What's Wrong with You?
I hate it when I break up with a guy and he asks me what he did wrong.
Who says you did anything wrong? Maybe I just don't like you.
Maybe I do like you, but I don't like you enough to want to be called by your name.
What do you think a woman is? A prize to be won by following a precise set of directions like some stuffed toy in a carnival game? Do you think that if you follow all the rules and all the steps the result will be that any girl will want to marry you?
Do you know that every person has a step so unique that people can be identified just by their gait?
We're human.
This is a relationship, and it isn't working out.
It isn't you, and it isn't me; it's us.
We don't work.
What do you consider 'wrong' anyway? Something you did that I didn't like?
Say there were something you had done wrong.
Had you not done it would I then be obligated to love you?
Is my love mere recompense for your effort to follow all the rules to please me?
Anyway, who cares if I don't like something about you? Maybe someone else will. What's wrong to me may be right to someone else, and you should keep that because she's the one who's going to be your wife.
Maybe you should stop judging yourself based on the opinions of random girls who don't know you (such as myself) and begin to consider whether or not you like your behaviour.
And why do you assume that if I break up with you it must be because of something you did?
Maybe it was because of something I did.
Maybe I recognize that by no fault of yours, being with you brings out my worst qualities and, while I like you, I don't like myself when I'm around you.
Y'know what you did wrong?
You asked that question.
15 Adar 5773
Who says you did anything wrong? Maybe I just don't like you.
Maybe I do like you, but I don't like you enough to want to be called by your name.
What do you think a woman is? A prize to be won by following a precise set of directions like some stuffed toy in a carnival game? Do you think that if you follow all the rules and all the steps the result will be that any girl will want to marry you?
Do you know that every person has a step so unique that people can be identified just by their gait?
We're human.
This is a relationship, and it isn't working out.
It isn't you, and it isn't me; it's us.
We don't work.
What do you consider 'wrong' anyway? Something you did that I didn't like?
Say there were something you had done wrong.
Had you not done it would I then be obligated to love you?
Is my love mere recompense for your effort to follow all the rules to please me?
Anyway, who cares if I don't like something about you? Maybe someone else will. What's wrong to me may be right to someone else, and you should keep that because she's the one who's going to be your wife.
Maybe you should stop judging yourself based on the opinions of random girls who don't know you (such as myself) and begin to consider whether or not you like your behaviour.
And why do you assume that if I break up with you it must be because of something you did?
Maybe it was because of something I did.
Maybe I recognize that by no fault of yours, being with you brings out my worst qualities and, while I like you, I don't like myself when I'm around you.
Y'know what you did wrong?
You asked that question.
15 Adar 5773
Wanting to Want
Have you ever felt it?
Knowing you should want something, wanting to want it, desperately trying to feel the desire that you know is in you somewhere... but you just don't.
It's like being hungry and not wanting to eat. It isn't that you don't need it. If you don't eat, you'll die. Yet you still don't want to. It's not even that you won't enjoy it. I've spent hours walking in circles, starving, surrounded by delicious foods and not wanting to eat any of them. It's painful; knowing that you need something but not wanting it. And there's nothing you can do to make yourself want it. When I'm hungry, I want to want to eat. Really. I want to be able to get rid of that gnawing emptiness in my stomach and renew my energy so that I can continue to perform all the tasks I need and want to perform and of which my life is composed.
Yet all that still doesn't create the desire. We can't force ourselves to want things.
Need doesn't make us want things. Pleasure doesn't make us want things.
Where does it come from?
Tehillim 145:16 -- פּוֹתֵחַ אֶת-יָדֶךָ וּמַשְׂבִּיעַ לְכָל-חַי רָצוֹן
Most translate this passuk, "You open Your hand and satisfy every living thing with its desire," or something like that. There are a few problems with this translation.
First of all the word פּוֹתֵחַ doesn't function as a verb in the context of the sentence, for it lacks a subject. The word פּוֹתֵחַ is the subject itself. It isn't saying "you open" it is calling Gd a פּוֹתֵחַ, an Opener. Similarly, the word מַשְׂבִּיעַ calls Gd 'One who satisfies,' a Satisfier, if you will, or Satiator (which is not a word in English, sorry). Thirdly, the phrase "its desire" appears nowhere in the passuk. רָצוֹן is just a noun; there's no possessive attached to it.
Knowing you should want something, wanting to want it, desperately trying to feel the desire that you know is in you somewhere... but you just don't.
It's like being hungry and not wanting to eat. It isn't that you don't need it. If you don't eat, you'll die. Yet you still don't want to. It's not even that you won't enjoy it. I've spent hours walking in circles, starving, surrounded by delicious foods and not wanting to eat any of them. It's painful; knowing that you need something but not wanting it. And there's nothing you can do to make yourself want it. When I'm hungry, I want to want to eat. Really. I want to be able to get rid of that gnawing emptiness in my stomach and renew my energy so that I can continue to perform all the tasks I need and want to perform and of which my life is composed.
Yet all that still doesn't create the desire. We can't force ourselves to want things.
Need doesn't make us want things. Pleasure doesn't make us want things.
Where does it come from?
Tehillim 145:16 -- פּוֹתֵחַ אֶת-יָדֶךָ וּמַשְׂבִּיעַ לְכָל-חַי רָצוֹן
Most translate this passuk, "You open Your hand and satisfy every living thing with its desire," or something like that. There are a few problems with this translation.
First of all the word פּוֹתֵחַ doesn't function as a verb in the context of the sentence, for it lacks a subject. The word פּוֹתֵחַ is the subject itself. It isn't saying "you open" it is calling Gd a פּוֹתֵחַ, an Opener. Similarly, the word מַשְׂבִּיעַ calls Gd 'One who satisfies,' a Satisfier, if you will, or Satiator (which is not a word in English, sorry). Thirdly, the phrase "its desire" appears nowhere in the passuk. רָצוֹן is just a noun; there's no possessive attached to it.
So to retranslate:
"Opener of Your hand and Satiator of every life with desire"
The psalmist isn't praising Gd for giving everything what it wants; he's praising Gd for giving us the wanting.
This is profoundly insightful. First if all, it is inclusive of every life; even animals who have no higher desires, and whose only desires are for their needs, have no desires other than those Gd gives them. He can withhold them just as easily. For those of you who have experienced a shortcoming of desire, you know how debilitating it can be. You can't get your work done, you can't eat.
And then there are the times when it fails you completely. You have no passion, no ambition, no hope, no love or care, no pleasure and no pain. You can barely even motivate yourself to draw breath. They tell you that you can accomplish anything you want, and if you really want it nothing can stand it your way.
But you don't want. Yet you have to keep going, because when man is broken down to his most raw elements, it's all Gd down there, and you have to trust that His hand will open, and the desire will come.
"Opener of Your hand and Satiator of every life with desire"
The psalmist isn't praising Gd for giving everything what it wants; he's praising Gd for giving us the wanting.
This is profoundly insightful. First if all, it is inclusive of every life; even animals who have no higher desires, and whose only desires are for their needs, have no desires other than those Gd gives them. He can withhold them just as easily. For those of you who have experienced a shortcoming of desire, you know how debilitating it can be. You can't get your work done, you can't eat.
And then there are the times when it fails you completely. You have no passion, no ambition, no hope, no love or care, no pleasure and no pain. You can barely even motivate yourself to draw breath. They tell you that you can accomplish anything you want, and if you really want it nothing can stand it your way.
But you don't want. Yet you have to keep going, because when man is broken down to his most raw elements, it's all Gd down there, and you have to trust that His hand will open, and the desire will come.
To all of you out there who are want-less right now, you'll find your wanting again. Gd is in you somewhere, and the whole wide world is in Him. You'll find it again.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Heart and Soul
ואהבת את ה בכל לבבך
And you shall love G-d with all your heart and with your every breath and with all your excess.
ולא תתרו אחרי לבבכם ואחרי עיניכם
And you shall not turn after your hearts and after your eyes following which you lust.
I am struck by a contrast presented in the use of the word 'heart' in these two verses. In the first the heart is a tool of devotion to G-d, in the second it is a seducer drawing the devotional away. These two verses then present a dichotomy of the heart's role within the life of man. What is the true character of the heart and how is it to be discovered?
The heart plays a major role not only in Biblical metaphor, but in modern idealism as well. Following a tradition whose endurance would be difficult to determine, the heart is generally considered to be the seat of emotion within the human self, and often intuition is attributed to it as well. In this role it has been perceived positively within western culture as demonstrated by such phrases as 'follow your heart', and it's inclusion in many songs about love and fulfillment such as 'a dream is a wish your heart makes', 'when you wish upon a star...anything your heart desires will come to you', and many others.
The Torah, however, disagrees with this adage and exhorts us not to follow our hearts, but to be wary of their leading us astray. Evidently the judgement of the heart is not to be trusted. Yet the same unreliable heart is called upon to be the the primary vehicle of our service to G-d! It seems that at times the heart must be trusted and followed, but only when it draws one into Godly devotion, rather than away from it.
So what distinguishes these two hearts from one another?
When Maimonides refers to the heart, he uses it to recall man's intellectual capacity. We are used to thinking of our intellect, intuition, and emotion as separate; a separation reinforced by the employment of separate terms to describe our thoughts in each. We keeps our minds and our hearts and our guts distinct. Yet, the Bible never refers to people thinking with their heads or their guts, only their hearts. The heart is a term inclusive of all human metaphysical experience.
Service of G-d is performed with all your heart, because it is the only thing that can encompass your entire heart, for your heart is your entire being. The heart is the agent which pumps blood, which was considered to be the dwelling of the soul, throughout the body. The heart is thus the very life-force itself. It encompasses no single aspect of man's being but the totality of his emotional, intellectual, spiritual, in short- intangible self. No other service, no performance can engage all of man's senses as does dedication to G-d. Love of G-d converts academic pursuits into emotional ones, emotional pursuits into spiritual ones.
Yes, the heart is complex, and so must our treatment of it be, sometimes following sometimes eschewing, but never quite devoting ourselves to it or severing from its influence.
11 Shevat 5773
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwQon45bm9k
And you shall love G-d with all your heart and with your every breath and with all your excess.
ולא תתרו אחרי לבבכם ואחרי עיניכם
And you shall not turn after your hearts and after your eyes following which you lust.
I am struck by a contrast presented in the use of the word 'heart' in these two verses. In the first the heart is a tool of devotion to G-d, in the second it is a seducer drawing the devotional away. These two verses then present a dichotomy of the heart's role within the life of man. What is the true character of the heart and how is it to be discovered?
The heart plays a major role not only in Biblical metaphor, but in modern idealism as well. Following a tradition whose endurance would be difficult to determine, the heart is generally considered to be the seat of emotion within the human self, and often intuition is attributed to it as well. In this role it has been perceived positively within western culture as demonstrated by such phrases as 'follow your heart', and it's inclusion in many songs about love and fulfillment such as 'a dream is a wish your heart makes', 'when you wish upon a star...anything your heart desires will come to you', and many others.
The Torah, however, disagrees with this adage and exhorts us not to follow our hearts, but to be wary of their leading us astray. Evidently the judgement of the heart is not to be trusted. Yet the same unreliable heart is called upon to be the the primary vehicle of our service to G-d! It seems that at times the heart must be trusted and followed, but only when it draws one into Godly devotion, rather than away from it.
So what distinguishes these two hearts from one another?
When Maimonides refers to the heart, he uses it to recall man's intellectual capacity. We are used to thinking of our intellect, intuition, and emotion as separate; a separation reinforced by the employment of separate terms to describe our thoughts in each. We keeps our minds and our hearts and our guts distinct. Yet, the Bible never refers to people thinking with their heads or their guts, only their hearts. The heart is a term inclusive of all human metaphysical experience.
Service of G-d is performed with all your heart, because it is the only thing that can encompass your entire heart, for your heart is your entire being. The heart is the agent which pumps blood, which was considered to be the dwelling of the soul, throughout the body. The heart is thus the very life-force itself. It encompasses no single aspect of man's being but the totality of his emotional, intellectual, spiritual, in short- intangible self. No other service, no performance can engage all of man's senses as does dedication to G-d. Love of G-d converts academic pursuits into emotional ones, emotional pursuits into spiritual ones.
Yes, the heart is complex, and so must our treatment of it be, sometimes following sometimes eschewing, but never quite devoting ourselves to it or severing from its influence.
11 Shevat 5773
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwQon45bm9k
Pursuit of Happiness
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.
-- Thomas Jefferson
In the immortal words of America's founding fathers happiness is equated with life and liberty. Preservation of our right to pursue it is declared to be the purpose of government. Losing it is justification for treason.
The importance of happiness is one that has remained and become deeply entrenched in American culture.
We began by assuming it as a fundamental human right and it has become the very purpose of life.
This wouldn't be so bad if it were a universal happiness that we sought, but it is not. Each man is endowed with the unalienable right to pursue his own happiness. He does not measure the value of his own life by the happiness of others.
Why is happiness the standard according to which we measure the value of our lives? It is really a selfish standard. It is one that views the individual as a solitary unit devoid of any commitments to others. One who seeks happiness seeks primarily his own comfort.
How can loss of happiness justify treason? Recall that treason is betrayal of your fellow co-nationalist and betrayal of the people whose history bore you. It is not an act directed so much toward a government as toward a people. Notwithstanding, your personal happiness is more important than the collective struggles of the countless tens of thousands you leave behind in your pursuit of it.
Perhaps we ought to consider the pursuit of something else instead. The pursuit of loyalty, perhaps, or honesty, or responsibility. The Bible tells us "Jusitce, justice you shall pursue" (Deuteronomy 16:20). We are not told to pursue truth, but we are told "from a false matter distance thyself," (Exodus 23:7) and by distancing from falsehood it may be supposed that greater nearness to truth must be attained. Why do we not pursue peace or harmony?
I have no great complaint against happiness. I think it to be a wonderful, comfortable and empowering thing, when appropriately attained and managed.
But the idolization of that for which many men have sacrificed so greatly in their morals can lead to little ultimate good.
I, for one, would rather be true than happy.
24 Nissan 5773
-- Thomas Jefferson
In the immortal words of America's founding fathers happiness is equated with life and liberty. Preservation of our right to pursue it is declared to be the purpose of government. Losing it is justification for treason.
The importance of happiness is one that has remained and become deeply entrenched in American culture.
We began by assuming it as a fundamental human right and it has become the very purpose of life.
This wouldn't be so bad if it were a universal happiness that we sought, but it is not. Each man is endowed with the unalienable right to pursue his own happiness. He does not measure the value of his own life by the happiness of others.
Why is happiness the standard according to which we measure the value of our lives? It is really a selfish standard. It is one that views the individual as a solitary unit devoid of any commitments to others. One who seeks happiness seeks primarily his own comfort.
How can loss of happiness justify treason? Recall that treason is betrayal of your fellow co-nationalist and betrayal of the people whose history bore you. It is not an act directed so much toward a government as toward a people. Notwithstanding, your personal happiness is more important than the collective struggles of the countless tens of thousands you leave behind in your pursuit of it.
Perhaps we ought to consider the pursuit of something else instead. The pursuit of loyalty, perhaps, or honesty, or responsibility. The Bible tells us "Jusitce, justice you shall pursue" (Deuteronomy 16:20). We are not told to pursue truth, but we are told "from a false matter distance thyself," (Exodus 23:7) and by distancing from falsehood it may be supposed that greater nearness to truth must be attained. Why do we not pursue peace or harmony?
I have no great complaint against happiness. I think it to be a wonderful, comfortable and empowering thing, when appropriately attained and managed.
But the idolization of that for which many men have sacrificed so greatly in their morals can lead to little ultimate good.
I, for one, would rather be true than happy.
24 Nissan 5773
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Dating Ba'alei Teshuva
Whenever someone says anything like, "I wouldn't date a ba'al teshuva" this is what I hear:
"No, I would never want to date someone who has exhibited presence of mind and strength of character by making considerable sacrifice and demonstrating unwavering commitment to values, beleifs and practices I uphold."
Are you CRAZY?
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Drugs and Idolatry
Service of Gd means that you live your life in total dedication to Gd. Everything that you do is an expression of His will. Living in the service of Gd therefore requires active recognition of Gd and reference to His authority in decision making. In every action of your day you consider the laws and principles of the Torah as well as the will of Gd before reaching a decision on how to behave.
Free will lies in the degree to which you are able to enforce this awareness.
Idolatry is service of another entity in place of Gd, and places that other entity in a position of greater authority in your life. Idolatry is distinguished by any state in which the determining factor of your actions is anything other than the will of Gd. Physiological or psychological addictions cause your behaviour to be determined by a substance to which your will has become subject. Any substance which alters your mind from a state of being able to focus cognitively on the subjugation of your own will to Gd's in your actions, for however brief a period of time, is idolatrous. It is for this reason that emotions which subvert the capacity of the mind; such as anger, pride, and jealousy; are compared to idolatry. They remove man from having free will, without which he cannot serve Gd.
Most people forbid drugs and smoking on the grounds that they are unhealthy and therefore constitute a violation of the Biblical commandment of 'וְנִשְׁמַרְתֶּם מְאֹד לְנַפְשֹׁתֵיכֶם' 'and you shall very closely guard your lives.' There is also the stance that drugs are prohibited by Torah inasmuch as they are prohibited by American law and the Torah requires us to obey the law of the land.
I affirm that smoking, or taking drugs, or even simply becoming drunk constitute a violation of nothing less than "you shall not have other gods before Me."
24 Nissan 5773
Free will lies in the degree to which you are able to enforce this awareness.
Idolatry is service of another entity in place of Gd, and places that other entity in a position of greater authority in your life. Idolatry is distinguished by any state in which the determining factor of your actions is anything other than the will of Gd. Physiological or psychological addictions cause your behaviour to be determined by a substance to which your will has become subject. Any substance which alters your mind from a state of being able to focus cognitively on the subjugation of your own will to Gd's in your actions, for however brief a period of time, is idolatrous. It is for this reason that emotions which subvert the capacity of the mind; such as anger, pride, and jealousy; are compared to idolatry. They remove man from having free will, without which he cannot serve Gd.
Most people forbid drugs and smoking on the grounds that they are unhealthy and therefore constitute a violation of the Biblical commandment of 'וְנִשְׁמַרְתֶּם מְאֹד לְנַפְשֹׁתֵיכֶם' 'and you shall very closely guard your lives.' There is also the stance that drugs are prohibited by Torah inasmuch as they are prohibited by American law and the Torah requires us to obey the law of the land.
I affirm that smoking, or taking drugs, or even simply becoming drunk constitute a violation of nothing less than "you shall not have other gods before Me."
24 Nissan 5773
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Upon A Winter Lake
13 Nissan 5773
The willow is bare,
and the water still
and white as snow,
which crown its rim.
The clouds glide on
as the day grows dim
and the willow weeps.
I'll weep with him.
The field is dead
and the brick walls cold
and the water pale
inviting death,
but deep within
a silent breath
that hails the spring
and heals this breast.
The willow is bare,
and the water still
and white as snow,
which crown its rim.
The clouds glide on
as the day grows dim
and the willow weeps.
I'll weep with him.
The field is dead
and the brick walls cold
and the water pale
inviting death,
but deep within
a silent breath
that hails the spring
and heals this breast.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Embarrassment
1 Adar II 5771
No embarrassment can compare with the shame and degradation of being praised for that which ought to be expected of you.
No embarrassment can compare with the shame and degradation of being praised for that which ought to be expected of you.
Imaginary Convo 3
17 Adar 5773
Boy: What did I do wrong?
*but in his eyes he says, 'why don't you love me?', 'why don't you want to love me?'*
Girl: You did nothing wrong. I like and respect you.
I respect everyone.
I like almost everyone.
There are very few people whom I admire.
I would like my husband to be one of them.
B: And you don't admire me?
G: I do not.
B: Why?
G: Admiration is an emotion, boy. It is its presence not its absence that must be justified.
You inspire other emotions in me to be sure; compassion, empathy, concern.
But not admiration.
B: Are there any men you do admire?
G: Yes.
B: Would you marry any of them?
G: I don't know, boy. I don't know.
Admiration is not a sufficient condition for love.
B: What else is necessary?
G: I don't know. Longing, maybe. Joy, commitment, trust.
B: And you don't feel any of those for me:
G: I might have once, but not anymore.
Boy: What did I do wrong?
*but in his eyes he says, 'why don't you love me?', 'why don't you want to love me?'*
Girl: You did nothing wrong. I like and respect you.
I respect everyone.
I like almost everyone.
There are very few people whom I admire.
I would like my husband to be one of them.
B: And you don't admire me?
G: I do not.
B: Why?
G: Admiration is an emotion, boy. It is its presence not its absence that must be justified.
You inspire other emotions in me to be sure; compassion, empathy, concern.
But not admiration.
B: Are there any men you do admire?
G: Yes.
B: Would you marry any of them?
G: I don't know, boy. I don't know.
Admiration is not a sufficient condition for love.
B: What else is necessary?
G: I don't know. Longing, maybe. Joy, commitment, trust.
B: And you don't feel any of those for me:
G: I might have once, but not anymore.
Imaginary Conversations
16 Adar 5773
I often find myself thinking in dialogues, often with specific people. It seems easier to express an idea in the context of a conversation or relationship, for after all, it is usually a conversation or experience within a relationship that produces formulation of a heretofore tacit idea or provokes thought regarding a matter heretofore unconsidered, at least consciously. Therefore, it is most naturally expressed in that context.
Als,o a conversation prompts response. Even though it takes place only in my head, it allows a certain exchange of ideas to flow, promoting further exploration of the idea.
It also returns the drama and ethos to philosophizing, a highly human, and therefore emotional, endeavor.
I often find myself thinking in dialogues, often with specific people. It seems easier to express an idea in the context of a conversation or relationship, for after all, it is usually a conversation or experience within a relationship that produces formulation of a heretofore tacit idea or provokes thought regarding a matter heretofore unconsidered, at least consciously. Therefore, it is most naturally expressed in that context.
Als,o a conversation prompts response. Even though it takes place only in my head, it allows a certain exchange of ideas to flow, promoting further exploration of the idea.
It also returns the drama and ethos to philosophizing, a highly human, and therefore emotional, endeavor.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Fanatics
5 Shevat 5771
One is a fanatic not whose beliefs are radical, but who imposes his beliefs upon others be they radical or not.
One is a fanatic not whose beliefs are radical, but who imposes his beliefs upon others be they radical or not.
Youth is Wasted
16 Marcheshvan 5773
Sometimes I wonder why I bother going to college.
It's such a waste of fertility.
Truly it is. I'll only be able to bear children for so long. By the time I graduate from college I'll have wasted a full decade of prime child-bearing potential. By the time I have my first child I'll be halfway through my fertile years. However many children I have I'll know I could have had twice as many, or at least increased the chances of the same number of children being healthier by birthing them in my youth. School, on the other hand is something I can do at any time. I could always just marry and have children now and go to school later. Rabbi Akiva didn't start until he was forty, so what if I do the same? I have a serious and real time limit on the fertility of my womb, but the fertility of my mind knows no such bounds.
But every time I think of this I realize why it's foolish. That's just my biological clock thinking for me. How would I now be feeding the children I should have had when I was fourteen? Could I have provided a means of support without an education? And suppose my husband would support us: who would this husband of mine be who would be capable of supporting a fourteen year old wife and her children? How would I have selected such a man? Who would I even be without the expansion of my mind which education and experience has brought? Certainly noone capable of participating in a healthy sexual relationship, or of fitting my children with the skills and values they would need when they grow up.
Yet, my great-grandmother married when she was fourteen! Am I any better than my great-grandmother, or hers? They just lived in a different world. Marriage and child-rearing was a different game back then. Then it was about living, and continuing. In some cases it was about not getting kidnapped lest you become too old a virgin for someone not to notice and steal you from your father's house before he loses the chance to monopolize your otherwise wasted youth and reproductivity. In a way he would be doing you a great favor, that man. He would be preventing your fertility from being lost. Besides, he would feed and clothe you after your father died.
So the girls married young then so that they, or at least their fathers, could choose their husbands.
That's a model in which women are property.
In many places it is a model that persists.
Today, though, marriage is supposed to be all about love. You have to love a man before marrying him, you can't marry him otherwise. If you do, your life will be miserable and unfulfilled because you've missed the chance to spend eternity with your one true love who will now forever be pining away in sorrow.
What folly! To imagine love as the sole foundation of any relationship.
Love is the product of a relationship not a catalyst for it.
That is why in describing the marriage between Yizchak and Rivka the Torah says "He wed her and he loved her." A marriage is not built upon love. Love is the product of the marriage. Love comes after commitment because commitment is an act of love.
So still we seek a healthy model for relationships, and try to figure out what this thing is we call love.
I don't know that we can figure out. It's different every time.
I'll just have to keep living with my eyes open and trust that Gd will put the right one in front of me.
And that I see him when He does.
Sometimes I wonder why I bother going to college.
It's such a waste of fertility.
Truly it is. I'll only be able to bear children for so long. By the time I graduate from college I'll have wasted a full decade of prime child-bearing potential. By the time I have my first child I'll be halfway through my fertile years. However many children I have I'll know I could have had twice as many, or at least increased the chances of the same number of children being healthier by birthing them in my youth. School, on the other hand is something I can do at any time. I could always just marry and have children now and go to school later. Rabbi Akiva didn't start until he was forty, so what if I do the same? I have a serious and real time limit on the fertility of my womb, but the fertility of my mind knows no such bounds.
But every time I think of this I realize why it's foolish. That's just my biological clock thinking for me. How would I now be feeding the children I should have had when I was fourteen? Could I have provided a means of support without an education? And suppose my husband would support us: who would this husband of mine be who would be capable of supporting a fourteen year old wife and her children? How would I have selected such a man? Who would I even be without the expansion of my mind which education and experience has brought? Certainly noone capable of participating in a healthy sexual relationship, or of fitting my children with the skills and values they would need when they grow up.
Yet, my great-grandmother married when she was fourteen! Am I any better than my great-grandmother, or hers? They just lived in a different world. Marriage and child-rearing was a different game back then. Then it was about living, and continuing. In some cases it was about not getting kidnapped lest you become too old a virgin for someone not to notice and steal you from your father's house before he loses the chance to monopolize your otherwise wasted youth and reproductivity. In a way he would be doing you a great favor, that man. He would be preventing your fertility from being lost. Besides, he would feed and clothe you after your father died.
So the girls married young then so that they, or at least their fathers, could choose their husbands.
That's a model in which women are property.
In many places it is a model that persists.
Today, though, marriage is supposed to be all about love. You have to love a man before marrying him, you can't marry him otherwise. If you do, your life will be miserable and unfulfilled because you've missed the chance to spend eternity with your one true love who will now forever be pining away in sorrow.
What folly! To imagine love as the sole foundation of any relationship.
Love is the product of a relationship not a catalyst for it.
That is why in describing the marriage between Yizchak and Rivka the Torah says "He wed her and he loved her." A marriage is not built upon love. Love is the product of the marriage. Love comes after commitment because commitment is an act of love.
So still we seek a healthy model for relationships, and try to figure out what this thing is we call love.
I don't know that we can figure out. It's different every time.
I'll just have to keep living with my eyes open and trust that Gd will put the right one in front of me.
And that I see him when He does.
I Feel Pretty
26 Shevat 5773
I've always been rather fascinated by my own beauty.
I used to look at myself in the mirror, and lean closer and closer to see the smooth curves of my face or each colored muscle in my eye. Then I'd notice that I was watching myself, and I'd back away. The first time I left quickly, I was so ashamed. After that I began to wonder why it is that I find my own beauty so captivating. I'm not the best looking woman who ever lived; shouldn't I have been more mesmerized by Julia Roberts' face?
So whenever I found myself distracted by my own face, I would then turn to be fascinated with my own fascination with myself.
Ironic, isn't it?
Of course, I've always been told that I'm beautiful. My mother and father and grandparents would say it all the time. Some of my teachers did too. But I was an awkward fat kid and I didn't see it.
Until I turned about thirteen. Then things started changing. It was the shape of my face, I noticed. Something about its contours were beginning to look appealing, and standing for minutes in front of the bathroom mirror I realized one day that I actually liked the way I looked. I actually considered myself pretty; not just pretty- gorgeous, and moreover, desirable. I still do.
I just didn't realize that other people would see me in that way too.
It's a strange and uncomfortable moment for a girl who never thought anyone would see her suddenly realizes that the boy who's sitting with her is really glad that they're alone.
It gets confusing when he isn't the only one.
And rather abruptly my life is different, because for the first time a man told me that my eyes are pretty, and another one looked at me just because he liked looking, and another one wouldn't go away, and they all keep telling me what a shame it is that we don't see each other more often.
I guess I'm lucky, not just because people seem to like me, but because the men I attract are the sort of people I like and want to spend time with. I think we should be friends, but for the first time I find myself wondering if that's really what they're thinking too.
It's even stranger to realize that I'm not bothered by it. It's gratifying.
And as cliche as it sounds, despite all my past insecurities, I really do feel pretty.
I've always been rather fascinated by my own beauty.
I used to look at myself in the mirror, and lean closer and closer to see the smooth curves of my face or each colored muscle in my eye. Then I'd notice that I was watching myself, and I'd back away. The first time I left quickly, I was so ashamed. After that I began to wonder why it is that I find my own beauty so captivating. I'm not the best looking woman who ever lived; shouldn't I have been more mesmerized by Julia Roberts' face?
So whenever I found myself distracted by my own face, I would then turn to be fascinated with my own fascination with myself.
Ironic, isn't it?
Of course, I've always been told that I'm beautiful. My mother and father and grandparents would say it all the time. Some of my teachers did too. But I was an awkward fat kid and I didn't see it.
Until I turned about thirteen. Then things started changing. It was the shape of my face, I noticed. Something about its contours were beginning to look appealing, and standing for minutes in front of the bathroom mirror I realized one day that I actually liked the way I looked. I actually considered myself pretty; not just pretty- gorgeous, and moreover, desirable. I still do.
I just didn't realize that other people would see me in that way too.
It's a strange and uncomfortable moment for a girl who never thought anyone would see her suddenly realizes that the boy who's sitting with her is really glad that they're alone.
It gets confusing when he isn't the only one.
And rather abruptly my life is different, because for the first time a man told me that my eyes are pretty, and another one looked at me just because he liked looking, and another one wouldn't go away, and they all keep telling me what a shame it is that we don't see each other more often.
I guess I'm lucky, not just because people seem to like me, but because the men I attract are the sort of people I like and want to spend time with. I think we should be friends, but for the first time I find myself wondering if that's really what they're thinking too.
It's even stranger to realize that I'm not bothered by it. It's gratifying.
And as cliche as it sounds, despite all my past insecurities, I really do feel pretty.
Filling the Void
I didn't write down a date for this one, but based on it's placement in my journal, it must have been written around Elul 5772.
This entry comes with the following note I wrote in the margin just above it:
"Upon completing my reading of the final installment of the Artemis Fowl series at half past midnight...*some sentimental junk about my location, which does not interest you at all*...after loyally following the series for I don't even know how many years."
I was really disappointed with the last book. In fact I was disappointed with every book afer The Lost Colony. What happened to Minerva? Where did your writing skills go, Eoin? Why did you abandon the world of classic Irish lore for a technologically advanced society? And when did you sell your soul to marketability, casting away your characters personalities to make them more entertaining? Artemis and Holly? Seriously? Eoin, you're supposed to be the author, not a fanfiction writer.
As you can see, after reading this book I was frustrated with the author. Anyway, here's the poem I wrote about it at the time. It reads a little stream-of-consciousness-y, and it's really more about growing up than it is about Artemis Fowl.
_________________
Life is like a book.
It begins fresh and exhilirating
and the pages of your childhood
fly by with nothing
particularly exciting happening,
but that nothing
sets up the rest
of the book, and the rest
of that book
is based on it so that when it ends
(for it will end)
it is perfect.
It is consistent and whole
with plenty of room left
outside it for the imagination
to fill.
Then comes the sequel.
New foundations emerge,
new characters appear
and old characters
slowly change,
shaped by the events
they helped shape
through the third,
fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh
eigth and ninth books
until you realize at the end
that the same characters
are not the same
anymore.
Their circumstances are different
and all the void around
is filled
by their awareness of it.
Omnicient, they are no longer innocent.
Well-lived past, uncertain future.
The absence of friends
and aquaintances outside themselves
now filled with knowledge
of history,
of people, places,
experiences.
Was Gd different
at the beginning?
Did the introduction
of my character change Him?
I wish sometimes that
I could go back to the pages
of my childhood
as easily as
I can turn back the pages
of a real book.
All voids must fill
or the Earth will stand still
My void is filling.
Is it against my will?
This entry comes with the following note I wrote in the margin just above it:
"Upon completing my reading of the final installment of the Artemis Fowl series at half past midnight...*some sentimental junk about my location, which does not interest you at all*...after loyally following the series for I don't even know how many years."
I was really disappointed with the last book. In fact I was disappointed with every book afer The Lost Colony. What happened to Minerva? Where did your writing skills go, Eoin? Why did you abandon the world of classic Irish lore for a technologically advanced society? And when did you sell your soul to marketability, casting away your characters personalities to make them more entertaining? Artemis and Holly? Seriously? Eoin, you're supposed to be the author, not a fanfiction writer.
As you can see, after reading this book I was frustrated with the author. Anyway, here's the poem I wrote about it at the time. It reads a little stream-of-consciousness-y, and it's really more about growing up than it is about Artemis Fowl.
_________________
Life is like a book.
It begins fresh and exhilirating
and the pages of your childhood
fly by with nothing
particularly exciting happening,
but that nothing
sets up the rest
of the book, and the rest
of that book
is based on it so that when it ends
(for it will end)
it is perfect.
It is consistent and whole
with plenty of room left
outside it for the imagination
to fill.
Then comes the sequel.
New foundations emerge,
new characters appear
and old characters
slowly change,
shaped by the events
they helped shape
through the third,
fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh
eigth and ninth books
until you realize at the end
that the same characters
are not the same
anymore.
Their circumstances are different
and all the void around
is filled
by their awareness of it.
Omnicient, they are no longer innocent.
Well-lived past, uncertain future.
The absence of friends
and aquaintances outside themselves
now filled with knowledge
of history,
of people, places,
experiences.
Was Gd different
at the beginning?
Did the introduction
of my character change Him?
I wish sometimes that
I could go back to the pages
of my childhood
as easily as
I can turn back the pages
of a real book.
All voids must fill
or the Earth will stand still
My void is filling.
Is it against my will?
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Tears
I was flipping through my journal and found this entry from 18 Av 5772. At first I didn't remember what I had written it about, but after reading it I remember the feeling. It's interesting to see how much has changed in eight months, and how much has stayed the same.
__________
What is this feeling of displacement?
I never belong in a place
I just move through
keeping it
for the next person
who will also move through
and give it to the next.
Something tugs at my heart;
I don't know what it is
and I want to ignore it.
Part of it has a face and a name,
but for now I will keep that name
in my heart.
What is it about that name
that every time I hear it
I want to cry?
I am somewhere in it too.
It is the deepest, strongest and
most persistent part
and it does not let go,
but pulls me, pulls me, pulls me
and my heart
to return to myself.
Myself and my God.
Sometimes I have trouble
telling which is which
and I do not know which
one is closer.
Tears, tears...
They never come when you need them,
only when you don't
know why they do.
__________
What is this feeling of displacement?
I never belong in a place
I just move through
keeping it
for the next person
who will also move through
and give it to the next.
Something tugs at my heart;
I don't know what it is
and I want to ignore it.
Part of it has a face and a name,
but for now I will keep that name
in my heart.
What is it about that name
that every time I hear it
I want to cry?
I am somewhere in it too.
It is the deepest, strongest and
most persistent part
and it does not let go,
but pulls me, pulls me, pulls me
and my heart
to return to myself.
Myself and my God.
Sometimes I have trouble
telling which is which
and I do not know which
one is closer.
Tears, tears...
They never come when you need them,
only when you don't
know why they do.
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