5 Tammuz 5772
In Jerusalem
the sun shines between mountains
and stone becomes gold.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Being Married
I was thinking about all the pressures young orthodox women face to date, and to date in the right way, and to date the right guy, and to marry the guy who fits all the rules in the book and should logically be adored by all. I was also thinking of how skewed our perspectives on relationships often are. I was particularly thinking of a friend of mine who told me she'd never consider a younger man for reasons mentioned below, and of all the people who keep asking if they can set me up. Funny thing is that when I ask who the guy is they had in mind, they often tell me they didn't have a guy in mind. They just wanted to know if they could set me up. So I tell them no.
All these frustrations were bumping around in my head, until they somehow articulated themselves in these words.
___________
Despite all the hype that surrounds it in the Orthodox Jewish world, I'm not so interested in getting married.
I want to be married.
See, getting married views marriage as a goal to be a achieved. It's about you getting something that you want to have. Being married is about having an active relationship with another person.
It isn't about getting the life that you dreamed of, or moving on with life, or placing yourself in the right social circumstance. It isn't even about settling down and having children at the time when you want to. So many people get married because they want to start having children. This makes your spouse a means to an end; a tool by which you can accomplish your goals. The relationship is primarily about taking. It is no longer about the other person. I've heard many women say that because they want to have children they wouldn't marry or date a man who is younger than they, because they'd have to wait for him to finish school and be able to support a family.
I don't care.
I'm looking for a husband, not a sperm donor.
Marriage is a relationship, not a task to be accomplished. Nor is any other stage of life. Life is a process. Life is dynamic; it changes. I change with it. The more G-d shows me of the world, the more my mind and heart and self flow from one state to another in a dance where each step is my response to an opportunity or a challenge. I am not looking for myself anymore. I am just dancing with life, and as I dance I get to know myself better.
Life is one long, exciting, dynamic, dance so I want to live with someone who can dance with me. Someone who will be open and encouraging, supportive and understanding of my unique step. Someone whose dance will complement mine. I believe G-d placed such a man in the world for me. He may be ten years younger than I, and if he is then I will wait ten years for him.
I won't marry a man I love less so that I can have a child with him that I will consider mine, but not his. I wont marry a man I love less so that I can remain on par with my friends in life.
Instead I will marry a man with whom I can live, and go through life so that in ten or a hundred years from now when all my opinions have changed we two will still be dancing, weaving our steps together between the walks of life.
9 Marcheshvan 5773
All these frustrations were bumping around in my head, until they somehow articulated themselves in these words.
___________
Despite all the hype that surrounds it in the Orthodox Jewish world, I'm not so interested in getting married.
I want to be married.
See, getting married views marriage as a goal to be a achieved. It's about you getting something that you want to have. Being married is about having an active relationship with another person.
It isn't about getting the life that you dreamed of, or moving on with life, or placing yourself in the right social circumstance. It isn't even about settling down and having children at the time when you want to. So many people get married because they want to start having children. This makes your spouse a means to an end; a tool by which you can accomplish your goals. The relationship is primarily about taking. It is no longer about the other person. I've heard many women say that because they want to have children they wouldn't marry or date a man who is younger than they, because they'd have to wait for him to finish school and be able to support a family.
I don't care.
I'm looking for a husband, not a sperm donor.
Marriage is a relationship, not a task to be accomplished. Nor is any other stage of life. Life is a process. Life is dynamic; it changes. I change with it. The more G-d shows me of the world, the more my mind and heart and self flow from one state to another in a dance where each step is my response to an opportunity or a challenge. I am not looking for myself anymore. I am just dancing with life, and as I dance I get to know myself better.
Life is one long, exciting, dynamic, dance so I want to live with someone who can dance with me. Someone who will be open and encouraging, supportive and understanding of my unique step. Someone whose dance will complement mine. I believe G-d placed such a man in the world for me. He may be ten years younger than I, and if he is then I will wait ten years for him.
I won't marry a man I love less so that I can have a child with him that I will consider mine, but not his. I wont marry a man I love less so that I can remain on par with my friends in life.
Instead I will marry a man with whom I can live, and go through life so that in ten or a hundred years from now when all my opinions have changed we two will still be dancing, weaving our steps together between the walks of life.
9 Marcheshvan 5773
Monday, December 10, 2012
Manipulation: Posing the Question
20 Kislev 5773
"And G-d said to Jacob, 'Return to the land of your fathers and to your birthplace and I will be with you.' And Jacob sent and called Rahel and Leah to the field, to his sheep. And he said to them, "I see your father's face that it is not unto me as it was yesterday and two days ago, and the G-d of my fathers is with me...And an angel of G-d said to me in a dream...'now rise, leave this land and return to the land of your birth.'"
Genesis 31:3-13
If G-d revealed Himself to you today and asked you to do one thing, would you do it?
Of course you would.
Yet when G-d tells Yaakov to get himself out of a situation that Yaakov himself qualifies as being terrible, rather than simply do it he first consults with his wives regarding the matter.
If they had said they didn't want to go, what would he have done?
As I see it there are three ways of looking at Yaakov's proposal:
1) He really thought they had an option.
2) He knew that he was obligated, but didn't feel that he could impose that obligation on others.
3) He thought they didn't have an option but wanted to break the news to them in a way that would make them agree.
In the first case Yaakov consults with his wives sincerely, in order to determine how they felt about leaving. Presumably, if they had said that they did not wish to leave their father he would have acquiesced.
In the second case Yaakov is generous. To be fair, G-d did phrase the command in the singular, so it could have been that Yaakov himself was required to leave, but his wives and his children weren't. Had they not wanted to go with him he would have had to separate from them, and he makes this clear to Rahel and Leah by keeping the imperative of 'to leave' in the singular. He even conceals the fact that he received this command from G-d Himself, claiming instead that he received direction from an angel, perhaps in order to ensure that Rahel and Leah not feel obligated by the will of G-d to go with him. Yaakov makes it clear that he must go and is inviting them to join him.
The third option is the one that is both most likely and most disturbing to me. In this situation, Yaakov knows that his wives and children are bound to follow him, like as not, so he presents the facts to them in such a way as will influence them to agree with him. He presents it to them as though they have a choice so that the decision feels autonomous, rather than imposed, making them more open to it. In addition to this he spends four verses (6-9) abusing their father and presenting G-d as a saviour to him in the face of the abuse he suffered at their father's hand.
It seems that Yaakov is very carefully and subtly manipulating his wives.
This presents a most difficult moral dilemma: Is is appropriate to manipulate a person in order to fulfill a greater good, even be it the will of G-d?
Obviously this is a loaded question, and to answer it would require deep analysis of the moral nature of manipulation, and its effects upon free will and human respect.
"And G-d said to Jacob, 'Return to the land of your fathers and to your birthplace and I will be with you.' And Jacob sent and called Rahel and Leah to the field, to his sheep. And he said to them, "I see your father's face that it is not unto me as it was yesterday and two days ago, and the G-d of my fathers is with me...And an angel of G-d said to me in a dream...'now rise, leave this land and return to the land of your birth.'"
Genesis 31:3-13
If G-d revealed Himself to you today and asked you to do one thing, would you do it?
Of course you would.
Yet when G-d tells Yaakov to get himself out of a situation that Yaakov himself qualifies as being terrible, rather than simply do it he first consults with his wives regarding the matter.
If they had said they didn't want to go, what would he have done?
As I see it there are three ways of looking at Yaakov's proposal:
1) He really thought they had an option.
2) He knew that he was obligated, but didn't feel that he could impose that obligation on others.
3) He thought they didn't have an option but wanted to break the news to them in a way that would make them agree.
In the first case Yaakov consults with his wives sincerely, in order to determine how they felt about leaving. Presumably, if they had said that they did not wish to leave their father he would have acquiesced.
In the second case Yaakov is generous. To be fair, G-d did phrase the command in the singular, so it could have been that Yaakov himself was required to leave, but his wives and his children weren't. Had they not wanted to go with him he would have had to separate from them, and he makes this clear to Rahel and Leah by keeping the imperative of 'to leave' in the singular. He even conceals the fact that he received this command from G-d Himself, claiming instead that he received direction from an angel, perhaps in order to ensure that Rahel and Leah not feel obligated by the will of G-d to go with him. Yaakov makes it clear that he must go and is inviting them to join him.
The third option is the one that is both most likely and most disturbing to me. In this situation, Yaakov knows that his wives and children are bound to follow him, like as not, so he presents the facts to them in such a way as will influence them to agree with him. He presents it to them as though they have a choice so that the decision feels autonomous, rather than imposed, making them more open to it. In addition to this he spends four verses (6-9) abusing their father and presenting G-d as a saviour to him in the face of the abuse he suffered at their father's hand.
It seems that Yaakov is very carefully and subtly manipulating his wives.
This presents a most difficult moral dilemma: Is is appropriate to manipulate a person in order to fulfill a greater good, even be it the will of G-d?
Obviously this is a loaded question, and to answer it would require deep analysis of the moral nature of manipulation, and its effects upon free will and human respect.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Like the Stars?
15 Marcheshvan 2773
Remember when you first learned about how Hashem promised Avraham that his children would be like the stars? You were impressed, weren't you? And a little confused. Because right now, we are not similar in number to the stars, but then again you figured (or at least I did), this probably refers to the days of the mashiach. Then, at last, this promise will be fulfilled.
What you probably didn't consider is that that isn't what G-d promised at all. But if you look carefully at the words of the passuk, G-d didn't promise Avraham that his children would be as munerous as the stars.
Read that conversation closely. What does G-d say?
'Avraham, come outside.'
Avraham goes outside.
We don't know what time of day it is.
'Avraham, please look skyward.'
We don't know what he sees when he looks up.
'Count the stars if you are able to count them.
Thus will be your children.'
There are four general times of day it could be (day, night, dawn, dusk), and either Avraham can count the stars or he can't. That's 8 possible scenarios. It seems unlikely to me that this is taking place at dawn or dusk because the conversation in juxtaposed with the brit ben habetarim, which we are told happens before and during sunset. So we're down to 4 possibilities. Assuming Avraham can't count the stars brings us down to 2 so let's look at those:
-If it's nighttime and Avraham can't count the stars, then the reason he can't count them is presumably because there are so many of them.
Avraham says, 'I can't count them; there are so many!'
And G-d says, 'Thus will be your children.'
-Now, there are about 10^23 stars in the visible universe. That's 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. Definitely an uncountable number. However, on a given night, at a given place up to 2000 celestial objects may be visible to the unaided human eye. It's a large number, but definitely countable if you have enough time. But if you've ever watched the stars at night you'll know that they move. So even if you could count them in theory, you can't keep track of them. So, here we have Avraham trying to count a mere 2000 stars and he keeps forgetting if he counted that one yet, because it's in a different place now and he ends up counting the same star twice and another not at all, until he just says, 'I give up! I can't count them, because they keep moving!'
And G-d says, 'Thus will be your children.'
[Of note I recently heard an interpretation that would refute this one. The stars were points of light by which navigators could find their way at night. They were used as such because of their constancy; stars are always in the same place at the same time, and they do not move around the sky as the planets do. (That's why they're called 'planets,' by the way. 'Planeto' is greek for 'wanderer,' because they were wandering stars.) Since the stars are so reliable that they can used to orient oneself and find direction, G-d is telling Avraham that his children will be like the stars in that sense. The inheritors of his legacy will be there throughout the ages providing the direction and reference points according to which the world may orient itself. His children won't be active leaders, but by their very consistency they will become a standard and a model.]
-If it's daytime then the reason Avraham can't count the stars isn't because they are too numerous, but because he can't see them! Back in his day people beleived that at night the sun, which was not considered a star and moved in its own sphere, went under the earth. I don't know if they beleived the moon and stars travelled around the earth as well. If they didn't, they must have concluded that the stars are not visible during the day because they are concealed by the brightness of the sun.
Imagine the conversation goin like this:
'Avraham, count the stars if you are able to count them.'
'I can't see any stars. The sun is too bright!'
And G-d says, 'Thus will be your children.'
Of course, it's always possible that at any time of day Avraham may not be able to count the stars due to cloud cover, but in the Negev this is rather unlikely. ;)
I hope this broadens your perspective on this story, and all the stories in Tanach.
Remember when you first learned about how Hashem promised Avraham that his children would be like the stars? You were impressed, weren't you? And a little confused. Because right now, we are not similar in number to the stars, but then again you figured (or at least I did), this probably refers to the days of the mashiach. Then, at last, this promise will be fulfilled.
What you probably didn't consider is that that isn't what G-d promised at all. But if you look carefully at the words of the passuk, G-d didn't promise Avraham that his children would be as munerous as the stars.
Read that conversation closely. What does G-d say?
'Avraham, come outside.'
Avraham goes outside.
We don't know what time of day it is.
'Avraham, please look skyward.'
We don't know what he sees when he looks up.
'Count the stars if you are able to count them.
Thus will be your children.'
There are four general times of day it could be (day, night, dawn, dusk), and either Avraham can count the stars or he can't. That's 8 possible scenarios. It seems unlikely to me that this is taking place at dawn or dusk because the conversation in juxtaposed with the brit ben habetarim, which we are told happens before and during sunset. So we're down to 4 possibilities. Assuming Avraham can't count the stars brings us down to 2 so let's look at those:
-If it's nighttime and Avraham can't count the stars, then the reason he can't count them is presumably because there are so many of them.
Avraham says, 'I can't count them; there are so many!'
And G-d says, 'Thus will be your children.'
-Now, there are about 10^23 stars in the visible universe. That's 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. Definitely an uncountable number. However, on a given night, at a given place up to 2000 celestial objects may be visible to the unaided human eye. It's a large number, but definitely countable if you have enough time. But if you've ever watched the stars at night you'll know that they move. So even if you could count them in theory, you can't keep track of them. So, here we have Avraham trying to count a mere 2000 stars and he keeps forgetting if he counted that one yet, because it's in a different place now and he ends up counting the same star twice and another not at all, until he just says, 'I give up! I can't count them, because they keep moving!'
And G-d says, 'Thus will be your children.'
[Of note I recently heard an interpretation that would refute this one. The stars were points of light by which navigators could find their way at night. They were used as such because of their constancy; stars are always in the same place at the same time, and they do not move around the sky as the planets do. (That's why they're called 'planets,' by the way. 'Planeto' is greek for 'wanderer,' because they were wandering stars.) Since the stars are so reliable that they can used to orient oneself and find direction, G-d is telling Avraham that his children will be like the stars in that sense. The inheritors of his legacy will be there throughout the ages providing the direction and reference points according to which the world may orient itself. His children won't be active leaders, but by their very consistency they will become a standard and a model.]
-If it's daytime then the reason Avraham can't count the stars isn't because they are too numerous, but because he can't see them! Back in his day people beleived that at night the sun, which was not considered a star and moved in its own sphere, went under the earth. I don't know if they beleived the moon and stars travelled around the earth as well. If they didn't, they must have concluded that the stars are not visible during the day because they are concealed by the brightness of the sun.
Imagine the conversation goin like this:
'Avraham, count the stars if you are able to count them.'
'I can't see any stars. The sun is too bright!'
And G-d says, 'Thus will be your children.'
Of course, it's always possible that at any time of day Avraham may not be able to count the stars due to cloud cover, but in the Negev this is rather unlikely. ;)
I hope this broadens your perspective on this story, and all the stories in Tanach.
Monday, October 22, 2012
Crying
21 Sivan 5772
A little piece of my soul
crept down my cheek
and fell,
falling,
falling,
falling,
through empty space
filled with nothing
except that sometimes
it was filled with hugs
and laughter
but really, it was empty.
And my little piece of soul
fell
until it struck a table
and then it could fall no more.
It is gone, that piece,
and my soul is something else now,
or rather,
it is more a part of me,
but in a new way
because I have given it up.
A little piece of my soul
crept down my cheek
and fell,
falling,
falling,
falling,
through empty space
filled with nothing
except that sometimes
it was filled with hugs
and laughter
but really, it was empty.
And my little piece of soul
fell
until it struck a table
and then it could fall no more.
It is gone, that piece,
and my soul is something else now,
or rather,
it is more a part of me,
but in a new way
because I have given it up.
Friday, October 19, 2012
We Are Brothers
Nissan 18 5772
Tefillin straps on
his head leave a wave. The first
wave of a deep ocean.
Tefillin straps on
his head leave a wave. The first
wave of a deep ocean.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Five Words
17 Tishrei 5773
Five Words to Describe Yourself
The paper said “choose five
words.” It took six words
to ask the question. ‘Is
something wrong, miss? Are not
these five small lines enough?’
Well, it won’t be enough!
I am not just five
of anything- not ideas, not
pictures, and certainly not words.
I don’t think anyone is.
No-one that I know is
quite this or that enough
that all the many words
in the world but five
do not describe and cannot
be part of what not
tells you who he is,
but shows you only five
small windows not clear enough
to even see through words.
This cage is of words.
Walls of stone could not
even have the strength enough
to hold back what is
between you, me and five.
Five words is not enough.
Five Words to Describe Yourself
The paper said “choose five
words.” It took six words
to ask the question. ‘Is
something wrong, miss? Are not
these five small lines enough?’
Well, it won’t be enough!
I am not just five
of anything- not ideas, not
pictures, and certainly not words.
I don’t think anyone is.
No-one that I know is
quite this or that enough
that all the many words
in the world but five
do not describe and cannot
be part of what not
tells you who he is,
but shows you only five
small windows not clear enough
to even see through words.
This cage is of words.
Walls of stone could not
even have the strength enough
to hold back what is
between you, me and five.
Five words is not enough.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Queer Bird
"And Aharon stretched his hand over the waters of Egypt, and the Frog rose and covered the land of Egypt"
-Exodus 8:2
"Vata'al Hasefardeia." And the Frog rose.
Most translations render this passage as 'the frogs rose,' but the verse actually writes in the singular. The frog rose. The midrash elaborates on this and affirms that there was originally only one large frog. The Egyptians tried to rid themselves of it by striking it, but to no avail, for each time they struck the frog another one would be spawned. And so they struck the offspring of this frog, but those frogs too only responded by increasing in number. The harder the Egyptians tried to get rid of all the frogs the more of them there were until they had covered all the land.
When I first heard this story the irony struck me. The foolish Egyptians, despite seeing over and over again that their efforts backfired, continued to blindly pursue their course of action. Driven by their strong aversion to this frog they abandoned reason, and failed to even recognize that they were making their own problem worse.
This story is a metaphor for the experience of the Jewish People in Egypt, and in all exiles. The more we are persecuted, the more we are struck, the more we revitalize. Exile does not weaken us, it makes us stronger.
Throughout history, nations have made the mistake of the Egyptians. Directed by a singular hatred, they abandoned sense in their quests to repel us. Despite all this, never did we die. Each tragedy was transformed by G-d into a victory. We are struck, time and time again, yet we continue to grow.
Imagine then, what lies at the end of this longest of exiles. After two thousand years of being stricken imagine how great we will emerge.
And now, a song in honor of the frog
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHwwJkKp7Oo&playnext=1&list=PL4B28C0E1071207EB&feature=results_main
or, if you don't listen to women sing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TithIgzHZTg
-Exodus 8:2
"Vata'al Hasefardeia." And the Frog rose.
Most translations render this passage as 'the frogs rose,' but the verse actually writes in the singular. The frog rose. The midrash elaborates on this and affirms that there was originally only one large frog. The Egyptians tried to rid themselves of it by striking it, but to no avail, for each time they struck the frog another one would be spawned. And so they struck the offspring of this frog, but those frogs too only responded by increasing in number. The harder the Egyptians tried to get rid of all the frogs the more of them there were until they had covered all the land.
When I first heard this story the irony struck me. The foolish Egyptians, despite seeing over and over again that their efforts backfired, continued to blindly pursue their course of action. Driven by their strong aversion to this frog they abandoned reason, and failed to even recognize that they were making their own problem worse.
This story is a metaphor for the experience of the Jewish People in Egypt, and in all exiles. The more we are persecuted, the more we are struck, the more we revitalize. Exile does not weaken us, it makes us stronger.
Throughout history, nations have made the mistake of the Egyptians. Directed by a singular hatred, they abandoned sense in their quests to repel us. Despite all this, never did we die. Each tragedy was transformed by G-d into a victory. We are struck, time and time again, yet we continue to grow.
Imagine then, what lies at the end of this longest of exiles. After two thousand years of being stricken imagine how great we will emerge.
And now, a song in honor of the frog
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHwwJkKp7Oo&playnext=1&list=PL4B28C0E1071207EB&feature=results_main
or, if you don't listen to women sing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TithIgzHZTg
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)