I Feel Pretty

26 Shevat 5773

I've always been rather fascinated by my own beauty.
I used to look at myself in the mirror, and lean closer and closer to see the smooth curves of my face or each colored muscle in my eye. Then I'd notice that I was watching myself, and I'd back away. The first time I left quickly, I was so ashamed. After that I began to wonder why it is that I find my own beauty so captivating. I'm not the best looking woman who ever lived; shouldn't I have been more mesmerized by Julia Roberts' face?
So whenever I found myself distracted by my own face, I would then turn to be fascinated with my own fascination with myself.

Ironic, isn't it?

Of course, I've always been told that I'm beautiful. My mother and father and grandparents would say it all the time. Some of my teachers did too. But I was an awkward fat kid and I didn't see it.
Until I turned about thirteen. Then things started changing. It was the shape of my face, I noticed. Something about its contours were beginning to look appealing, and standing for minutes in front of the bathroom mirror I realized one day that I actually liked the way I looked. I actually considered myself pretty; not just pretty- gorgeous, and moreover, desirable. I still do.
I just didn't realize that other people would see me in that way too.

It's a strange and uncomfortable moment for a girl who never thought anyone would see her suddenly realizes that the boy who's sitting with her is really glad that they're alone.
It gets confusing when he isn't the only one.
And rather abruptly my life is different, because for the first time a man told me that my eyes are pretty, and another one looked at me just because he liked looking, and another one wouldn't go away, and they all keep telling me what a shame it is that we don't see each other more often.

I guess I'm lucky, not just because people seem to like me, but because the men I attract are the sort of people I like and want to spend time with. I think we should be friends, but for the first time I find myself wondering if that's really what they're thinking too.

It's even stranger to realize that I'm not bothered by it. It's gratifying.

And as cliche as it sounds, despite all my past insecurities, I really do feel pretty.