How like a prison
is the mind
whose struggles
can no answer find;
whose twisting paths
and much-spent ways
do bring no rest
into the days;
whose roads and
thoroughfares would bend,
yet find no peace,
and still not mend
the heart beneath it,
buried deep,
which, though not happy,
cannot weep.
How like a gate
the mind doth seem,
whilst holding secrets
deep within,
and yet no key can
open thence
for there's no lock
that bars entrance.
How like a fortress,
great and tall,
that's made of walls
within a wall,
by which no hero
hopes to claim
that through its conquest
earned he fame,
the mind unconquered
ever stays
and we still lost
upon its ways.
How like a tempest
tossing us
upon the waves
of self dis-trust
'til neither back
nor front we see,
and drunken
in our reverie
do blindly grope
upon the shore,
and drown in waters
deep no more.
How like a prison, yes,
and no,
where freedom's found
as further in you go;
the sacred place
where no man's eye
can gaze on what
therein doth lie;
where solitarily
confined
each man must
his soul lonely find,
and in that soul-
the Holy One,
into Whose sight
we all are come.
For only He
can freedom give
Who though not dying
truly lives,
and in Whose mind
we all are caught
and find there we are
all, but naught.
19 Tishrei 5774
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Monday, September 16, 2013
Most Beautiful Thing
I think my exact words were,
"Have you ever seen anything more beautiful?"
as I showed my sister her infant son
sleeping in my arms.
I spoke them softly and slowly,
and she seemed perfectly happy
when she leaned forward
to agree with me.
He was three months old then
I think.
And I honestly
did think
at that moment that there never was
a thing more lovely than him.
I still don't.
But now I know why.
He is beautiful
because he is my
first sister's
first baby
and I am holding him.
7 Elul 5771
"Have you ever seen anything more beautiful?"
as I showed my sister her infant son
sleeping in my arms.
I spoke them softly and slowly,
and she seemed perfectly happy
when she leaned forward
to agree with me.
He was three months old then
I think.
And I honestly
did think
at that moment that there never was
a thing more lovely than him.
I still don't.
But now I know why.
He is beautiful
because he is my
first sister's
first baby
and I am holding him.
7 Elul 5771
Close Minded People
It has come to my attention that when close-minded people disagree with you they accuse you of being close-minded. Or that when we are being close-minded we tend assume that the other person is, rather than own up to our own biases and shortcomings.
I know from the experience of having done it myself, that this is because we think we've investigated a matter thoroughly from every possible perspective. Our own opinions, therefore, are the most informed, most objective, and thus most correct. It does not occur to us that perspectives may exist outside of what our imaginations are able to conjure up for ourselves, and we even sometimes take great pains to avoid encounter with anything that may challenge our ignorance. If by chance we do enter some such encounter we write it off as uninformed.
I know that I, at least, have done this.
Thus do we successfully avoid the expansion of mind, heart, and general awareness that comes from greater knowledge. Where this occurs, we are being close-minded.
I sometimes am close-minded. I do not regard this as a bad thing, but as an ability to make decisions firmly and establish boundaries based on past experience, which is the only kind ever available to us.
However, I know that in general I am not close-minded, because I do not often make that accusation of those with whom I disagree. I assume that if anyone has an opinion it is based on his experience as my opinions are based on mine, and is therefore as valid to him as the experience that produced it is real.
Further, I assume that if one differs from me it is perhaps because his experiences have exposed him to perspectives and consideration of which I have been ignorant. Any difference of opinion is a chance to learn and by learning to better evaluate my own opinions, experiences, behaviour and character. I am willing to challenge my own beliefs. I no longer consider my own point of view to define the truth so I am eager to hear and understand others', for only by appreciating the experience of all people will we learn to live in harmony. This is how I am not close minded.
Thus I establish for myself both a definition guarded by personal boundaries and a willingness to alter that definition, that together characterize my struggle between ignorance and education. I must be challenged but I cannot be challenged too far or else I will be confused, overwhelmed, and I will either shut down or lose myself.
In any case I no longer resent being called close-minded. I now know the truth of it.
5 Tevet 5773
I know from the experience of having done it myself, that this is because we think we've investigated a matter thoroughly from every possible perspective. Our own opinions, therefore, are the most informed, most objective, and thus most correct. It does not occur to us that perspectives may exist outside of what our imaginations are able to conjure up for ourselves, and we even sometimes take great pains to avoid encounter with anything that may challenge our ignorance. If by chance we do enter some such encounter we write it off as uninformed.
I know that I, at least, have done this.
Thus do we successfully avoid the expansion of mind, heart, and general awareness that comes from greater knowledge. Where this occurs, we are being close-minded.
I sometimes am close-minded. I do not regard this as a bad thing, but as an ability to make decisions firmly and establish boundaries based on past experience, which is the only kind ever available to us.
However, I know that in general I am not close-minded, because I do not often make that accusation of those with whom I disagree. I assume that if anyone has an opinion it is based on his experience as my opinions are based on mine, and is therefore as valid to him as the experience that produced it is real.
Further, I assume that if one differs from me it is perhaps because his experiences have exposed him to perspectives and consideration of which I have been ignorant. Any difference of opinion is a chance to learn and by learning to better evaluate my own opinions, experiences, behaviour and character. I am willing to challenge my own beliefs. I no longer consider my own point of view to define the truth so I am eager to hear and understand others', for only by appreciating the experience of all people will we learn to live in harmony. This is how I am not close minded.
Thus I establish for myself both a definition guarded by personal boundaries and a willingness to alter that definition, that together characterize my struggle between ignorance and education. I must be challenged but I cannot be challenged too far or else I will be confused, overwhelmed, and I will either shut down or lose myself.
In any case I no longer resent being called close-minded. I now know the truth of it.
5 Tevet 5773
Darkness
Fear of darkness is not real fear.
Fear has an object; fear of darkness does not.
One does not fear the darkness itself, but darkness awakens an internal terror, latent in the light.
It is the unknown, the unknowable.
It is limitation, confusion, chaos.
We are not afraid of the dark, we are afraid in the dark, because the dark makes us aware of our fear.
27 Nissan 5773
Fear has an object; fear of darkness does not.
One does not fear the darkness itself, but darkness awakens an internal terror, latent in the light.
It is the unknown, the unknowable.
It is limitation, confusion, chaos.
We are not afraid of the dark, we are afraid in the dark, because the dark makes us aware of our fear.
27 Nissan 5773
Lonely
I know it's hard for you
to hear this
from someone you
love,
but I need to be
alone
right now.
More than alone,
I need to be
lonely.
So please go away.
Don't talk to me.
Don't call me.
Don't knock on my door.
Don't even whisper my name
to yourself
or to Gd
when you ask Him
(and I know you will)
to watch over me
and to make sure I'm
all right.
I don't want your prayers.
Just leave me alone.
I want to be alone.
Under six feet of dirt alone.
The kind of alone where
no-one is
looking for you because
you aren't there
and no-one is
thinking of you because
you never were.
Nothing is more comforting
to me right now
than the thought that one day
there will be a hundred
and two cubic feet
of solid earth between me
and everything else,
and no-one,
no-one,
no-one
will want me.
24 Nissan 5773
to hear this
from someone you
love,
but I need to be
alone
right now.
More than alone,
I need to be
lonely.
So please go away.
Don't talk to me.
Don't call me.
Don't knock on my door.
Don't even whisper my name
to yourself
or to Gd
when you ask Him
(and I know you will)
to watch over me
and to make sure I'm
all right.
I don't want your prayers.
Just leave me alone.
I want to be alone.
Under six feet of dirt alone.
The kind of alone where
no-one is
looking for you because
you aren't there
and no-one is
thinking of you because
you never were.
Nothing is more comforting
to me right now
than the thought that one day
there will be a hundred
and two cubic feet
of solid earth between me
and everything else,
and no-one,
no-one,
no-one
will want me.
24 Nissan 5773
What's Wrong with You?
I hate it when I break up with a guy and he asks me what he did wrong.
Who says you did anything wrong? Maybe I just don't like you.
Maybe I do like you, but I don't like you enough to want to be called by your name.
What do you think a woman is? A prize to be won by following a precise set of directions like some stuffed toy in a carnival game? Do you think that if you follow all the rules and all the steps the result will be that any girl will want to marry you?
Do you know that every person has a step so unique that people can be identified just by their gait?
We're human.
This is a relationship, and it isn't working out.
It isn't you, and it isn't me; it's us.
We don't work.
What do you consider 'wrong' anyway? Something you did that I didn't like?
Say there were something you had done wrong.
Had you not done it would I then be obligated to love you?
Is my love mere recompense for your effort to follow all the rules to please me?
Anyway, who cares if I don't like something about you? Maybe someone else will. What's wrong to me may be right to someone else, and you should keep that because she's the one who's going to be your wife.
Maybe you should stop judging yourself based on the opinions of random girls who don't know you (such as myself) and begin to consider whether or not you like your behaviour.
And why do you assume that if I break up with you it must be because of something you did?
Maybe it was because of something I did.
Maybe I recognize that by no fault of yours, being with you brings out my worst qualities and, while I like you, I don't like myself when I'm around you.
Y'know what you did wrong?
You asked that question.
15 Adar 5773
Who says you did anything wrong? Maybe I just don't like you.
Maybe I do like you, but I don't like you enough to want to be called by your name.
What do you think a woman is? A prize to be won by following a precise set of directions like some stuffed toy in a carnival game? Do you think that if you follow all the rules and all the steps the result will be that any girl will want to marry you?
Do you know that every person has a step so unique that people can be identified just by their gait?
We're human.
This is a relationship, and it isn't working out.
It isn't you, and it isn't me; it's us.
We don't work.
What do you consider 'wrong' anyway? Something you did that I didn't like?
Say there were something you had done wrong.
Had you not done it would I then be obligated to love you?
Is my love mere recompense for your effort to follow all the rules to please me?
Anyway, who cares if I don't like something about you? Maybe someone else will. What's wrong to me may be right to someone else, and you should keep that because she's the one who's going to be your wife.
Maybe you should stop judging yourself based on the opinions of random girls who don't know you (such as myself) and begin to consider whether or not you like your behaviour.
And why do you assume that if I break up with you it must be because of something you did?
Maybe it was because of something I did.
Maybe I recognize that by no fault of yours, being with you brings out my worst qualities and, while I like you, I don't like myself when I'm around you.
Y'know what you did wrong?
You asked that question.
15 Adar 5773
Wanting to Want
Have you ever felt it?
Knowing you should want something, wanting to want it, desperately trying to feel the desire that you know is in you somewhere... but you just don't.
It's like being hungry and not wanting to eat. It isn't that you don't need it. If you don't eat, you'll die. Yet you still don't want to. It's not even that you won't enjoy it. I've spent hours walking in circles, starving, surrounded by delicious foods and not wanting to eat any of them. It's painful; knowing that you need something but not wanting it. And there's nothing you can do to make yourself want it. When I'm hungry, I want to want to eat. Really. I want to be able to get rid of that gnawing emptiness in my stomach and renew my energy so that I can continue to perform all the tasks I need and want to perform and of which my life is composed.
Yet all that still doesn't create the desire. We can't force ourselves to want things.
Need doesn't make us want things. Pleasure doesn't make us want things.
Where does it come from?
Tehillim 145:16 -- פּוֹתֵחַ אֶת-יָדֶךָ וּמַשְׂבִּיעַ לְכָל-חַי רָצוֹן
Most translate this passuk, "You open Your hand and satisfy every living thing with its desire," or something like that. There are a few problems with this translation.
First of all the word פּוֹתֵחַ doesn't function as a verb in the context of the sentence, for it lacks a subject. The word פּוֹתֵחַ is the subject itself. It isn't saying "you open" it is calling Gd a פּוֹתֵחַ, an Opener. Similarly, the word מַשְׂבִּיעַ calls Gd 'One who satisfies,' a Satisfier, if you will, or Satiator (which is not a word in English, sorry). Thirdly, the phrase "its desire" appears nowhere in the passuk. רָצוֹן is just a noun; there's no possessive attached to it.
Knowing you should want something, wanting to want it, desperately trying to feel the desire that you know is in you somewhere... but you just don't.
It's like being hungry and not wanting to eat. It isn't that you don't need it. If you don't eat, you'll die. Yet you still don't want to. It's not even that you won't enjoy it. I've spent hours walking in circles, starving, surrounded by delicious foods and not wanting to eat any of them. It's painful; knowing that you need something but not wanting it. And there's nothing you can do to make yourself want it. When I'm hungry, I want to want to eat. Really. I want to be able to get rid of that gnawing emptiness in my stomach and renew my energy so that I can continue to perform all the tasks I need and want to perform and of which my life is composed.
Yet all that still doesn't create the desire. We can't force ourselves to want things.
Need doesn't make us want things. Pleasure doesn't make us want things.
Where does it come from?
Tehillim 145:16 -- פּוֹתֵחַ אֶת-יָדֶךָ וּמַשְׂבִּיעַ לְכָל-חַי רָצוֹן
Most translate this passuk, "You open Your hand and satisfy every living thing with its desire," or something like that. There are a few problems with this translation.
First of all the word פּוֹתֵחַ doesn't function as a verb in the context of the sentence, for it lacks a subject. The word פּוֹתֵחַ is the subject itself. It isn't saying "you open" it is calling Gd a פּוֹתֵחַ, an Opener. Similarly, the word מַשְׂבִּיעַ calls Gd 'One who satisfies,' a Satisfier, if you will, or Satiator (which is not a word in English, sorry). Thirdly, the phrase "its desire" appears nowhere in the passuk. רָצוֹן is just a noun; there's no possessive attached to it.
So to retranslate:
"Opener of Your hand and Satiator of every life with desire"
The psalmist isn't praising Gd for giving everything what it wants; he's praising Gd for giving us the wanting.
This is profoundly insightful. First if all, it is inclusive of every life; even animals who have no higher desires, and whose only desires are for their needs, have no desires other than those Gd gives them. He can withhold them just as easily. For those of you who have experienced a shortcoming of desire, you know how debilitating it can be. You can't get your work done, you can't eat.
And then there are the times when it fails you completely. You have no passion, no ambition, no hope, no love or care, no pleasure and no pain. You can barely even motivate yourself to draw breath. They tell you that you can accomplish anything you want, and if you really want it nothing can stand it your way.
But you don't want. Yet you have to keep going, because when man is broken down to his most raw elements, it's all Gd down there, and you have to trust that His hand will open, and the desire will come.
"Opener of Your hand and Satiator of every life with desire"
The psalmist isn't praising Gd for giving everything what it wants; he's praising Gd for giving us the wanting.
This is profoundly insightful. First if all, it is inclusive of every life; even animals who have no higher desires, and whose only desires are for their needs, have no desires other than those Gd gives them. He can withhold them just as easily. For those of you who have experienced a shortcoming of desire, you know how debilitating it can be. You can't get your work done, you can't eat.
And then there are the times when it fails you completely. You have no passion, no ambition, no hope, no love or care, no pleasure and no pain. You can barely even motivate yourself to draw breath. They tell you that you can accomplish anything you want, and if you really want it nothing can stand it your way.
But you don't want. Yet you have to keep going, because when man is broken down to his most raw elements, it's all Gd down there, and you have to trust that His hand will open, and the desire will come.
To all of you out there who are want-less right now, you'll find your wanting again. Gd is in you somewhere, and the whole wide world is in Him. You'll find it again.
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